Live music listings: June 2006

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Tue 20th

The Luminaire and Stop Us Not presents
Sweden vs England live from Cologne
+ Sweden vs England live on stage...

MORTON VALENCE [Eng]
vs
ENVELOPES [Swe]

*SOLD OUT*

*SOLD OUT*

Doors and DJs 7.00
Kick off 8.00
Half-time oranges 8.45
Second half 9.00
On stage for the victorious 10.00
On stage for the vanquished 10.45

Doors open at 7.00 for the pre-match build-up with the Stop Us Not DJs playing alternate English and Swedish bands and everyone swilling one of seven different flavours of Koppabergs Swedish Cider.

At 8.00 a huge screen in front of the stage and two plasma screens around the room will show the potentially crucial Sweden vs England Group B match live from Cologne, then, as the final whistle blows, the screen will rise to reveal one of two bands - England's Morton Valence or Sweden's Envelopes - standing ready to go. The winning country will play first, no doubt to a rapturous welcome from their countrymen and women in the room, followed by the gallant losers [or maybe not if they happen to win the group anyway or get through as one of the highest second placed teams, but let's not start second guessing things.
The whole thing will be compered by someone from the country who's refereeing the match, assuming FIFA announce the referee soon enough to give us time to find one and if they announce that it's Carlos Batres from Guatemala, we'll maybe just do it ourselves.
Representing England [with an infiltrating Columbian contingent] are the classy, uplifting and intoxicating Morton Valence.
Playing for Sweden [but starring a French girl in the mould of Zidane] are the reknowned chaotic popsters, Envelopes.
As the game rages on the field in Cologne, the tension backstage will become upbearable for their counterparts in London, hoping against hope [what does that mean, exactly?] that they will emerge victorious under the famous Luminaire mirror ball and hold aloft [a £500, gold-plated replica of] the World Cup before their adoring fans.
Oh, the drama!

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