SELDOM ASKED QUESTIONS

Q: Where did the name come from?
A: There's a club/artist hangout in the East Village, New York, called Lit. We liked the name. We wanted our name to in some way reflect the feel of the room, and we liked the way we'd lit it. The French for 'to light' is 'lumiere' but you can imagine the nightmare trying to Google that, plus it sounds a bit pretentious, so we made a word up; Luminaire. Actually, we thought we'd made it up, then realised it's actually the proper name for a lighting unit consisting of one or more electric lamps with all of the necessary parts and wiring.

Q: So why not just call it Luminaire? What's with the 'The'?
A: Someone already owns luminaire.co.uk and .com, so we reluctantly tagged 'The' on. Around these parts we always refer to her as Lumi, but never The Lumi.
It doesn't seem to bother anyone else but it really, really pisses Andy off.

Q: Have any artists really pissed you off?
A: A few, aye.

Q: Which ones?
A: It would be impolite to say.

Q: Ah, come on...
A: No.

Q: What did they do then?
A: One set off a fire extinguisher in the back stairwell, another vomitted into a box in the DJ booth when he came off stage, but at least he got it into a box. That's about the extent of it. Mostly it's just general bad manners; talking when other bands are on, not saying please and thank you.

Q: What happened to that dashing Portuguese bar manager?
A: Who, Hugo?

Q: That's the one.
A: He left to work at Proud Galleries in Camden.

Q: Is The Luminaire a Nuclear Free Zone?
A: The structure, fittings and furniture of Luminaire contain no nuclear materials, though our electricity does, in part, come from nuclear power. The total demand for electricity in the UK is 358 billion kilowatt hours. The main sources of supply are:

Fossil fuels: 253 bn kWh
Nuclear: 80 bn kWh
Renewables: 15 bn kWh
Imports: 10 bn kWh

So for the meantime we, like the rest of the UK, continue to rely on nuclear energy for some of our electricity.

Q: Can we use fireworks on stage? They're indoor fireworks.
A: You want to set off explosions on stage? No.
Q: But they're indoor ones!
A: Please refer to our previous answer.
Q: What about smoke machines? Can we use one of those? The smoke's a really important part of our performance.
A: No. They set off our fire alarms.
Q: Can't you switch off your system for the duration of your set?
A: Are you out of your mind?
Q: Excuse me?
A: You want us to risk the lives of the audience because you want some smoke on stage?
Q: Other venues do it...
A: Then other venues are staffed by idiots.
Q: So... is that a "no"?
A: I can't believe we're having this conversation.

Q: Are you inside the Congestion Zone?
A: No. We are outside of the Congestion Zone.

Q: I've been to your lovely venue several times and seen some great bands and generally had a good time. BUT why oh why do you serve your beer in plastic glasses? And horrible flimsy plastic glasses at that. We're all adults; we can be trusted with glass.
A: Thanks to Jane Kent for that one.
On busy nights, it's not often easy for the bar staff to get to the floor to collect glasses, get them back to the bar, wash and dry them and get them ready for the next pint before we actually run out.
Our glass washer is small [there's just no space behind there for a bigger one] and while they're waiting to be washed, very large stacks of glasses can appear at the side of the bar, which become a hazard and block access to the bar for customers, and also for staff who're bringing new stock.
Also, on quieter nights, with acoustic acts, we can't use the glass washer because it's noisy, so disrupts the enjoyment of the music. Additionally, ice makes less noise when dropped into plastic glasses, so again it benefits the ambience on quieter shows.
Finally, on busy club nights, when people are dancing around, we prefer them to dance around with plastic glasses in their hands, lest they drop a glass one, and do themselves a mischief.
And if you're worried about the wasted plastic, the bar staff are more than willing to re-use your glass if you ask them.

Q: Are you the first ever website to have an SAQ (seldomly asked questions) section?
A: We would like to think so. But perhaps not. We have no way of knowing, other than Googling 'seldom asked questions', which could throw up all sorts of queries that no-one wants answering. As long as no-one sues us for nicking their idea, we're happy.
(We just Googled SAQ and found this).