FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS

Q: Well, isn't it?
A: If you're going to keep peddling this dumb argument, at least put the sentence into some kind of context. Miles away from where?

Q: From the centre of town / my house
A: How many people do you know who live in WC1 / your house?

Q: But all the good venues are in the centre of town...
A: Like The Windmill, Brixton Academy, Cargo, 93ft East, Bush Hall, Shepherd's Bush Empire? Look, there's 8 million people in London so no one venue is ever going to be close to everyone, but this idea that everyone likes going into town to see bands is a load of crap. And don't start with your "the press / agents don't like to travel" bollocks either. 

Q: Okay, okay... tell me about Kilburn's transport links
A: On two tube lines and two overland rail lines.
Journey time to Central London [Oxford Circus]: 17 minutes

Q: And how does that compare to Camden, the centre of the alternative musical universe?
A: Camden's on just one tube line and one overland rail line.
Journey time to Central London [Oxford Circus]: 16 minutes

Q: And how does that compare to Shoreditch / Hoxton, the other centre of the alternative musical universe?
A: One tube station and the railway station's a bus ride away.
Journey time to Central London [Oxford Circus]: 16 minutes (according to TFL's website, but don't forget the 12 minute walk from the closest venue (Hoxton Bar & Kitchen) and the platform of the Northern Line, and we're not sure we believe TFL on the 16 minute thing anyway, though we accept we're just coming across as bitchy at this point, so we'll move on).

Q: So Kilburn's better connected than Camden and Shoreditch / Hoxton is as far as public transport's concerned?
A: Correct.

Q: And how far is Kilburn from Camden?
A: 12 minutes.

Q: 12 minutes?
A: Silverlink overland train from Camden Road takes 12 minutes to reach Brondesbury station. Brondesbury station is 45 seconds from our front door.

Q: That's close.
A: It is.

Q: Did you time it?
A: Yes.

Q: And is Lumi further north than Barfly, say?
A: It's on almost exactly the same line of latitude as Barfly. The difference is approximately 5 metres. So, no further north, almost the same journey time into town by tube and on twice as many tube and train lines.

Q: I feel a bit stupid now.
A: We'll maintain a dignified silence.

Q: What time do you open?
A: Between 7.30 and 8.00, depending on the event. Check the individual listings. But mostly 7.30.

Q: Is The Luminaire an all ages venue?
A: No. It's over 18s but occasionally we do a 14+ show. If a show doesn't say 14+ next to it, you can assume you need to be 18+ to get in.

Q: Should I bring photographic ID?
A: Yes, if you think you look under 18 or that we'll ask you to show us some. If you're 19, but look 17 and you don't have ID when we ask you for some, forgive us if we don't let you in. Our license is very important to us and we don't take risks with it.

Q: Where can I buy tickets?
A: 99% of Luminaire-promoted shows [as opposed to those which an external promoter puts on] have advance tickets for sale online, via WeGotTickets

Q: Can I come to the venue a few days before the show and buy physical tickets or call up and pay over the phone?
A: No. We don't have a box office, but if the show hasn't sold out you can buy them at the door when we open on the night.

We leave our online tickets on sale until 6.00pm on the night of a show, after that, assuming we've any left, you can pay when you come in.

Q: Ignoring what you've just said, if I call up and ask to buy tickets over the phone will you sell me them anyway?
A: No.

Q: Do you serve food?
A: Yes. Packets of crisps downstairs in The King's Head.

Q: Do you take credit cards?
A: Yes, all major ones behind the bar (£10 minimum spend), but on nights when we ask you to pay cash at the door to gain entry, you can't use your card to pay for that. Or cheque. Or Luncheon Vouchers

Q: Where can I park when I come to The Luminaire?
A: If it's after 6.30 you can park on the road outside, and the streets nearby. Kilburn High Road is well-lit and covered by CCTV.

Q: I'm playing tonight, where do I load in and park?
A: There isn't a simple answer. Click here.

Q: I'm playing tonight. Can I have a huge guest list of friends and industry blaggers?
A: No.
Q: Why not?
A: Because most of the door money goes to the bands so everytime someone gets in for free it means less money for you and the other performers. And anyway most of the industry blaggers can afford it because they earn more than you and I put together and if they can't, they can probably claim it back as expenses, and if they can't do that then tough, they're in the same boat as everyone else. We don't give guest list to nurses, just because they're nurses, so we're not doing it for A&R people or marketing managers.

Q: On our rider, we request that you give us black socks and cigarettes. okay?
A: Sure, go ahead and request them. We're not getting them for you, but go ahead and request them.
Q: Why not?! We're a touring band and we need socks and cigarettes! We don't have time to go to the laundrette and wash our clothes!
A: What are we? Your mother? Go to a shop and buy your own socks and cigarettes! Jesus...

Q: Can we sell merchandise?
A: Sure.
Q: Do you take a percentage of our profits?
A: No. They're all yours.
Q: Some venues take 20% of our merchandise sales.
A: They're arseholes.

Q: Can I hire the venue for a birthday party
A: Yes.
Q: Really?
A: Yes.
Q: But I asked about this a year ago and you said no, and your FAQ answer was adamant about it.
A: True, but times change and we have reconsidered, and now we are happy to accommodate your birthday party, or wedding reception, or staff training day.
Q: Well, that is good news. Who do I speak to about it?
A: Me

Q: I'm a promoter. How much does it cost to hire the room?
A: That depends on who you are, what you want to do and when you want to do it. email us and we can talk about it.

Q: I'm a promoter. Can I get a discount on the hire fee?
A: No.
Q: But we're going to sell it out and we're going to have *insert vaguely familiar band name here* playing and it'll be great publicity for your venue.
A: Not to come across like a dick, but we don't desperately need the publicity and even if we do, our staff / creditors don't accept payment in publicity. They need money. Tell you what; why don't you put a gig on here, pay the normal price like everyone else, prove to us that you can sell it out then ask us for a discount?
Q: There's no need to be rude.
A: Go ahead and try it in a restaurant. Hey! Can I get 30% off the bill if I like the food, and I promise to tell my mates about it?
Q: Aren't you meant to be this nice, polite venue? Why are you being so hostile.
A: We're only nice and polite to non-idiots.

Q: I'm not on the list, but I work in the music industry and get in for free everywhere else. Can I get in for free?
A: No. Why do you think you should? And didn't we cover this earlier? Up there ^ ?

Q: Well, like I said, I work in the music industry...
A: What's your point, caller?

Q: Look, you realise that if you charge me to get in I'm going to get moody and mutter something indicpherable under my breath as I walk into the room, or be rude to the person staffing the box office?
A: Aye. Now get your money out. You're holding other people up.

Q: I'm a photographer and I want to shoot the bands.
A: Click here, scroll to the foot of the page.

Q: Can I bring in my own beer or wine?
A: No. Nor your own whisky, whiskey, rum or vodka. What do you think we are, a public park? Do you take your own drink into restaurants?

Q: What kind of beer do you have?
A: Different kinds. Here's a list.

Q: What kind of wine do you have?
A: See above.

Q: Why isn't the cloakroom open tonight?
A: Either because the person we asked to staff it didn't show up, or far more likely because we chose to keep it closed.
Q: Why not?
A: Because it costs money to open it and in the summer months no-one uses it, expect for the occasional bag. In 2007 it cost us £5,000 to open the cloakroom. No small venue wants to spend £5,000 on opening the cloakroom. We're not bothered about it making money - we're happy if it breaks even - but we can't afford it to cost us £5,000. We don't like when it's not open - we want to offer you the service, but £5,000? That's a lot of money for us. We're not part of the Wembley Arena. If you've something that's really valuable with you though, you can ask the bar staff if they'll arrange to have it locked in the office. 
Q: Thanks for that.
A: You're welcome.

Q: Do you have a drum kit, guitar amp, bass amp, piano and tuba?
A: No. They cost a lot of money. Bring your own. That way if you damage them in the name of 'rock & roll', we won't feel bad about it.

Q: Do you have an extra 9 volt battery?
A: No. Try the shop next door.

Q: Do you have toilets in here?
A: Yes.

Q: Where are your toilets?
A: *sigh* They're behind the stage.
Q: You seem a little tetchy about me asking.
A: No no, not at all. We're asked 5, 10 times a night, despite large signs all over the place with arrows pointing toward them, but we're not tetchy. Not tetchy at all.

Q: Do you have a spare 9 volt battery?
A: Are you deaf?

Q: I'm an idiot who likes to come to gigs and stand at the bar talking very loudly, ruining the performance for others. I don't seem to be able to accept that I'm being rude, inconsiderate and disrespectful. Then, when challenged, I get all defensive and bang on about my rights and how I paid for my ticket and I can do what I want. I Am I welcome to come in?
A. No. You can fuck off.